“It hurts just to talk about it - no, sometimes it hurts too much even to think about it. I mean, they're gone, everything is gone, and I'm reminded of the fact that I'm all alone...”
Warning: Essence's history can contain sensitive/potentially triggering elements, such as self-loathing, depression and attempted suicide
. Please do not read if you find any of those disturbing.
Because her history is rather extensive and detailed, it will be split into 5 acts. The mature content only starts to kick in at around late Act 3/early Act 4 onwards, so you may still view part of the writing without seeing the sensitive content.
Spoiler warnings will be present before the content I mean to deliver in a fanfiction first arrives.
It all started with the very unconventional meeting of two young talented healers.
Starsurge, a RainWing and NightWing hybrid, and Bonfire, a SkyWing, met in the rainforest, the home of the former. The SkyWing had moved to the home of the peaceful forest dragons, in hopes of escaping the stressful environment of his own hometown, wanting to take a break from all the yelling that one would expect from there. As he defied the stereotypes of a SkyWing in almost every way, being someone who's gentle, skilled in the arts of healing, and well, just a dragon who wouldn't burn down everything in general, the RainWings agreed to let him stay.
Well, they say love is weird, right? Who expected two dragons of completely different tribes to fall in love this easily? Yet, the moment fate decided to put them together in the same room, an odd chemistry sparked between them. Neither of them felt like their lives were ever the same after their initial meeting. And the two were not believers of defying destiny. They went with the flow, and eventually ended up in a steady relationship.
Their love only grew and blossomed with each passing day, until the point where they were happily married. Starsurge and Bonfire agreed to have an egg, and so they did. From this pale blue egg streaked with lavender that was hatched in the first few moments of nightfall, Nixie was born. She received endless love and affection from her parents the moment she came to this world, and soon learned to give the same love back to them. She also quickly adopted the nickname Essence, essentially becoming her second name alongside her birth name.
But even in her early life, she was... different. She stood out from the RainWing and NightWing dragonets in the local school she attended, but not because she had SkyWing blood - no, no one really judged her for that. No - she was somewhat naturally socially inept, her parents being the only figures she would actively speak to. Teachers have spoken to her parents before, as she would frequently have trouble communicating in school, no matter to other students or teachers. To be honest, she tried making friends, but several attempts have turned awry, and her intentions were misunderstood as something hostile. For some reason, she was eventually dubbed as the "weird and crazy one" in her school, and not in a good way at all. Maybe it was her tendency to appear distant and aloof, almost far away from this world, or maybe some of them just thought she preferred to isolate herself anyway (which is kind of true). Anyways, Essence was a little unhappy about being picked on, for obvious reasons, and isn't the most enthusiastic about school.
Of course, all of these had effects on her developing personality. She doesn't have much confidence, and often walks with her eyes cast to the ground. Her parents have tried to make her communicate more with others, but to no avail - they realized they couldn't force her to do anything if she felt uncomfortable. She wasn't a bad student by any means - teachers were satisfied with her academic performances as well, they just think that she's... weird. Someone who couldn't fit in. Nixie often felt upset about this, and wondered if she would ever find a place she belonged in.
On the flip side though, her life was still relatively great. She was happy at home, if not at school, and it wasn't like her parents weren't great company. She learned that she enjoyed reading, preferring to stay at home and do so while listening to music anyway. Her parents took her on trips often, but she still preferred to stay where she was most of the time, and that was at home - her own sanctuary where nothing could harm her, not even the harsh and snide comments she often received outside of it. Besides her obvious social problems, her parents saw no problems with her. She was still a relatively quick learner, and always had decent grades despite not being the top of the class. Even with no one else but mostly her parents in her life, she was contented and peaceful with life in the rainforest, with no intention of ever moving out.
That was until the day Essence discovered this little haven near the borders of the continent.
A place named Hikari.
It all began when the family took a trip to the southern regions of Pyrrhia.
They had only stumbled upon the humble little town by pure mistake, but she fell in love with it immediately. She was drawn to both the culture of the dragons living in Hikari, as well as its reputation as the Town Of Light. Essence was extremely interested in the technology there, and being from the rainforest meant that she had no idea what computers or any other electronic devices were. They stayed a bit longer than they had initially meant to, and she learned fast, meaning that she was soon able to operate them just as well as any resident of Hikari. She even started to develop her writing skills after persuading her parents to get her a computer of her own. With each passing day that she spent there, Essence only felt more and more that she was meant to be there.
And that was exactly what she told her parents.
Starsurge and Bonfire was worried - naturally, since Nixie was only four years old, but after consulting Infia, the town's leader, she confirmed that Essence wouldn't have a problem, as most of residents were very kind and caring, especially to younger dragonets. Plus, she could attend school there as well, something the little hybrid felt excited about, since it meant leaving her old one behind. In the end, her parents agreed to let her stay, but they couldn't do the same since they wanted to keep their old jobs, and were very happy with it. After some negotiation, they did manage to get her her own house in Hikari, though.
Essence relieved some of their worries when she moved into the town. She had little to no trouble with taking care of herself. And for the first time ever - she felt truly happy. It was no doubt that her heart and soul belonged to that town, and that wasn't changing anytime soon. With a computer of her own, she started posting her written works, and they generally received positive responses. Essence had almost decided very early in her life that she wanted to be a writer, utilizing her natural-born imagination and ability to describe feelings vividly.
Life in her new school was much, much better - residents in Hikari were much friendlier than her old classmates. She wasn't exactly singled out for being too different, and her new friends were accepting. Essence felt happy - both in her new home and school. She figured out that she was more romantically attracted to females than males quite early on, and she only told this to her few close friends in school, but she was accepted quite easily for this.
Then, life was normal... relatively normal, until a single dragon entered her life and changed almost everything.
It all began when she befriended a RainWing named Rhythm.
And with her, came another dragoness that she didn't know would cause such a drastic change in her life.
And that dragoness was Chromium.
It sounded ridiculous, now that she thought about it. It was just a random encounter at a local event. A meeting by chance, with a dragon that didn't even live in that town. Someone that she wouldn't have encountered if it wasn't for a certain RainWing who invited her.
But the instant she stepped into her view, Nixie was undoubtedly drawn to her.
She didn't know exactly how. But fate somehow was on her side - the dragoness walked up and talked to her, with a clear offer of friendship, which the little hybrid accepted immediately. The two hit it off quite well, and became close friends alongside Rhythm.
Essence had no idea that there were deeper feelings growing within her heart. Feelings directed specifically at one silver dragoness.
Of course, being a complete stranger to such emotions, she ignored them.
Chromium revealed that she didn't live in Hikari - she had a home somewhere called the Guild Of Secret Whispers. However, she promised to keep in touch through writing, and Essence agreed. And she kept her promise - she received a letter just about one week after Chromium left. She didn't know that the fact that she felt so happy, almost ecstatic after receiving a response from her was a clear sign of something more than friendship.
She thought they would fade with time, especially after Chromium went home. She assumed that they were just irrelevant thoughts, manifestations of her clingy nature.
She was wrong.
And she didn't know that letting these emotions fester was the wrong way to go about it.
The feelings only intensified when Essence invited the older dragoness to a local dance party. She said that it was an open event, and everyone was free to attend. To her surprise, Chromium accepted almost instantly. She was a little disappointed when she knew that Rhythm was attending through her reply letter, but didn't show it. The RainWing had became more hostile towards her ever since Chromium and her got close, and Essence was starting to have doubts about her, but in fear of ruining her friendship with Chromium, she kept silent.
Her confusing feelings all came out in a mess on that night, when the grey dragoness attended. She was utterly surprised when Chromium decided to spend time with her instead of Rhythm who was also hanging around, and was incredibly delighted when she invited her to dance. As they did, Nixie probably realized that her jumbled emotions meant that she "liked" Chromium more than she was supposed to, but still refused to act on it. After all, she didn't want to possibly scare the other dragoness or let her assume that she was insane - the thought of her leaving was too much.
These conflicting thoughts was made worse by the RainWing who was supposed to be her friend. Only by a few mishaps, Rhythm threatened her - well, it was nothing more than a few hurtful words and careless insults, but Essence assumed that they came from the fact that she hated the fact that she and Chromium got close. Fearing the worst, she distanced herself away from Rhythm, feeling unsafe around her, and worried that she might tell Chromium things about her that could distance them.
She didn't know it, but that never happened. She was relieved when Rhythm had moved out of Hikari, without telling her at all, not that she cared much by that time. She was a little skeptical whether Chromium had any changed opinions on her after that event, but some of her doubts were relieved when her letters still came after she went home. She even invited Nixie to visit her home sometime later, which the hybrid happily agreed to.
Who knew that life would soon throw her into a total tailspin?
When Essence had turned six, she thought she had her life settled into a steady pace. Well, mostly.
She visited Chromium regularly at the Guild Of Secret Whispers, learning about the place and her other friends there - a Sand/Night hybrid named Sake, a SkyWing named Windfall, and a Sky/Ice named Twix. At first, she saw no problem with them - but as time passed by, she grew a little jealous of the fact that Chromium was close with them, especially Sake, the dragoness her (believed to be) close friend always spent time around. Even as time passed by, her feelings towards Chromium never faded, but she never stopped to acknowledge them.
Essence still responded and wrote letters to Chromium like she always had, but somewhere along the line she had seen Chromium with Windfall multiple times, shocking her and making her believe that she was already in a relationship. She didn't understand her feelings of love towards the other hybrid, but she knew she was immensely saddened. However, when she tried to find out the truth, she was pleasantly surprised to be proven wrong. The oblivious little hybrid didn't know that the feeling of joy she experienced when Chromium told her that she was never in a relationship was a clear sign of love. She didn't know that she was feeling jealous, and this jealousy only grew as she saw that Sake too was frequently seen around Chromium. She suspected that Sake liked Chromium as more than a friend as well.
However, that wasn't the greatest problem she had to face. She was still a talented young writer that was actually earning enough for herself to survive even without much help from her parents. She still paid Chromium and her parents visits to their respective homes.
That was until the event happened.
All was well until an unfortunate accident happened on one of her visits.
It was a stormy night - the rain was pouring, and lightning was roaring above the skies. Somehow, destiny was cruel to her - one bolt of lightning struck the treehouse they were staying in, and everything burst into flames. It caught them by surprise that they almost had no time to react, and it was a wonder how Essence managed to end up completely unharmed.
Well, the same couldn't be said for her parents.
In their best efforts to get their beloved daughter out of the house, they succeeded - but at a cost - their own lives. In a panic, she fell out of the tree and crashed, suffering a few cuts and bruises, but no major injuries otherwise. Somehow, even when she had passed out from shock, she knew what had happened.
When she woke up, being treated by a few healers that used to work with both her parents, she didn't need them to tell her that her parents were reduced to a pile of ashes.
And from that moment onward, something in her heart shattered, making her feel like one part of her was now missing. Permanently.
At her parent's request, a few kind RainWings and NightWings (and even some SkyWings who were Bonfire's old friends) accompanied the young dragoness to the edge of the ocean, and she watched numbly as the grey ashes that were once her parents got thrown in and lost in the deep blues of the sea.
Nothing was ever the same again, after that.
Nixie, being the only dragonet, inherited everything her parents had ever had, and would have no problem sustaining life even after their deaths. The dragons in the rainforest had kindly told her that since their old home had been burned down, they had cleared up another treehouse for her and she could rightfully call herself its owner, but she declined. She couldn't go anywhere near the place that cost her parents' lives. After attending their funeral, she flew away from her old home, never looking back, with tears flowing down her face.
For the first time ever, she felt that she was completely alone.
While she had had her difficulties before this incident, they had never been bad enough to shroud her world in darkness entirely, had never been able to summon thoughts to her mind that had never existed before. Many times, Essence would visualize dark images of self-harming or even ending her life, but none of them made her actually follow through. Most of the time, she would simply just shut herself away from the world, even more so than before, and sleepless nights became almost a ritual. Simply because whenever she fell asleep, nightmares and gruesome images of the night that ruined her entire life would replay endlessly in her mind. Everyone who saw Nixie during that time was becoming worried about her, for she often appeared with dark circles under her eyes and a very detached expression, if she showed herself at all.
She thought that she had finally found a break and relief after an unlikely event occurred - a dragoness named Dawn at her school confessed to her, asking for her to be her girlfriend. At that point, Essence was so emotionally weak and drained that the confession sounded like heaven to her, and she accepted almost immediately. No one would blame her, honestly - she was simply too heartbroken, and had been craving company and comfort for too long.
She ignored the little scream of pain her heart let out at the brief image of a certain silver dragoness in her mind.
At first, Nixie almost thought Dawn was her remedy. And she played the role well too - she visited and stayed with the little hybrid often, comforting her whenever she was down. But what they had didn't last long. The SandWing started ignoring her, but it only got worse from there. She started verbally abusing Essence, claiming that she was a nuisance every now and then, and then once, she outright hit her on the cheek.
Dawn herself appeared shocked at what she did, but she simply backed off and continued to ignore her, leaving the dragoness's mental state to further deteriorate. She fell further and further into her state of depression, and the breaking point was when on a day, her supposed girlfriend just stood at her front door when she returned, and told her that she no longer wanted to be together, and just left Essence in the dust.
Essence ended up even more emotionally destroyed after that, but not because Dawn left her - in fact, she suspected that she never loved her in the first place, and this feeling was mutual. It was because it gave her the impression that she truly was nothing but trouble, someone that no one could love, and those who did were all gone. If she had missed Chromium previously, her most recent breakup made her wish for her presence even more. She had thought about writing to her, even just sending a text to see if her friend still remembered her.
But every time she debated on sending a letter or text, the words from Dawn came back to haunt her, causing her to give up the plan for fear she'd cause Chromium any unnecessary problems. Hearing that from Dawn was enough, but Essence knew she couldn't take it from the silver dragoness that her heart had grown so fond of. So, despite all of the longing, she never sent a word.
The rest of her history has a place in the story Broken Glass. Please avoid reading if you want to avoid spoilers!
The little hybrid had no idea that depression had taken hold of her life, and the fact that she was not seeking help made it worse. After she had graduated from school, she would have proceeded with her dream of being a writer - except that she has completely lost her motivation to do anything, including the one thing she was good at. She felt like everything in life has lost its meaning, and the thought of ending it all sounded more and more appealing as days passed by.
Yet, there was one thing keeping her to this world - Chromium. Every time she thought about leaving, about joining her parents in the afterlife... the image of the silver dragoness with gold eyes stopped her. If anything, Nixie thought these feelings made it even worse - pining after a dragon that could never belong to her, remembering someone so vividly when she could have easily just forgotten Essence, feeling so lonely every night, only to be greeted by terrible images if she let herself sleep...
She didn't know if losing her ability to feel completely would provide her less pain than that.
Until the day it happened.
It took her by surprise.
Essence didn't know how or why it happened, whether she had been close to this point before or not - it just came, like a huge wave knocking all the breath out of a dragon caught in it. The same could be said for her emotions in this case, as after some time, she couldn't feel anything anymore.
Well, she wasn't completely numb to the feelings of the heart, exactly. She could still feel the pain, suffering and self-loathing that she assumed would never end. But it was getting harder and harder to distinguish these feelings from one another, while she could have done it easily in the past. She couldn't tell apart grief, loneliness or just plain sadness anymore, and it escalated to a point where she felt nothing. Needless to say, positive feelings she once known - joy, hope, and perhaps even love had left her in the dark.
She thought she was hopeless, and it would have been true, if the one dragoness who could save her never showed up on a stormy night.
Chromium, the one dragon she didn't even know she was in love with, came to her aid in the darkest point of her life.