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A Comedic Short Story by Kittyluvver
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Phi holds a faculty meeting at the crack of dawn. No one shows up... except Cobalt.
A high speed-chase, exploding toilets, tranquilizer guns. Hilarity ensues.
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“You’re late.”
The door swung open with a creak, revealing the slender figure of a teenage NightWing in a wheelchair silhouetted in the doorway.
Cobalt sighed. “Good morning to you too, Phirality.”
“You. Are. Late,” Phi repeated, a little slower and louder, as if he was mildly deaf and hadn’t heard her the first time around. Now there was something distinctly accusatory in her tone and the arch of her brow. “We all agreed that we would be here promptly at 5:00 AM.”
Cobalt checked his watch. “It’s 5:01,” he pointed out, and immediately regretted speaking as her eyes narrowed in righteous indignation.
“It is 5:02,” Phi declared. “Your timepiece is inaccurate.”
Cobalt bit back a retort and craned his neck to peer into the room behind her. It was awkward, as Phi had managed to park the bulk of her wheelchair precisely in the center of the doorway. Whether intentionally or not, she wasn’t letting Cobalt one step past the threshold into the room.
Still, Cobalt caught a glimpse of the office behind her. Nothing but rumpled sheets of paper covering a solitary desk. A single window, behind which was utter blackness - the sun hadn’t even risen. The room was completely deserted.
“Phi,” he sighed. “No one else is here.”
“Exactly,” Phi snapped, and Cobalt saw quite clearly that she was in an exceptionally bad mood. She was bristling like a cat that had been rubbed the wrong way. “I do not understand what could have happened,” she recounted. “I recall that I made it quite clear that we - all of us - were to meet here, at 5:00 AM.”
Cobalt blew out a heavy breath, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples. Unbelievable. I dragged myself out of bed for this, he sighed to himself. She’s supposed to be some kind of genius - and yet, for some reason, she doesn’t get it.
“Phi,” he said aloud. “I think I may have isolated your problem.” He paused, watching as she turned a skeptical eye at him.
“It’s 5:00 AM. Nobody shows up for a faculty meeting at 5:00 AM. Nobody.”
Her eye twitched as she stared at him. “What?” she demanded, looking at him like he had lapsed into Aquatic.
Cobalt huffed out another deep breath. “Phi, do I really need to lay this out for you?” Some genius you are, he grumbled to himself. “It’s 5:00 AM,” he continued aloud. “No one is on campus at 5:00 AM. No one is out of bed at 5:00 AM. No one wants to be out of bed at 5:00 AM. Myself included,” he added pointedly.
“But… you’re here,” she murmured, her brow furrowed in concentration as she tried to wrap her enormous brain around this new and novel concept.
“Good point,” snapped Cobalt, turning around on his heel and striding back into the hallway. “And I’m about to not be here.”
He was halfway down the hallway when he heard the growl of a small engine kicking into gear behind him. And then he barely had a second’s warning to throw himself to the side - oh Moons, she’s trying to kill me! - as Phi’s electric wheelchair zoomed past him, running right over his thick SeaWing tail like nothing more than a speed bump.
It’s 5:00 and I’ve just narrowly escaped being turned into hallway roadkill, Cobalt thought grimly to himself, getting back to his feet. With one paw he massaged his tail, which was sporting a twin pair of fresh black tire marks.
I can already tell that this is going to be a lousy day.
She had spun her chair back around to face him from down the hallway, the stray papers stapled to the corkboard walls fluttering in her wake. “Cobalt!” she insisted. “We scheduled a faculty meeting. You are required to be present!”
“You’re a crazy dragon!” Cobalt shouted at her. “It’s 5:00 AM!”
“It is 5:07 AM!” Phi shot back. “You are already late! You cannot go now!”
“Just try and stop me!” Cobalt yelled. “I’m going to bed!”
He feinted to the right - then the left - and charged down the hallway, streaking past her in a flurry of wings. Cobalt ran for his life, skidding around a corner, darting down another hallway as Phi shrieked in righteous fury. The engine of her wheelchair roared to life as she accelerated after him in hot pursuit.
Cobalt reached the end of the hallway and slammed into a set of sliding doors. Locked! I’m trapped! he thought, rattling the panic bar frantically. The doors didn’t budge, and he looked around desperately for another escape.
A sign caught his eye. MALES RESTROOM.
Perfect.
***** TEN MINUTES LATER *****
“You can’t stay in there forever!” howled the shrill voice of the NightWing from outside.
Cobalt grinned with cruel mirth, standing alone in the empty males’ bathroom. He was flushing the toilets over and over again, just because he knew it would get her worked up into a frenzy. And as far as he could tell, it was working.
“Maybe not, but I can try!” he shot back, hitting yet another flush handle.
FLUSH.
“Get out here! We have a faculty meeting!” she shrieked, her voice cracking.
FLUSH.
“What was that?” he asked innocently, cocking an ear. “I can’t hear you over the water!”
FLUSH.
“I said, get out here!”
FLUSH.
“Whaaat?” he called out again. “You want to get a beer?”
FLUSH.
His words were greeted with an inarticulate scream of rage.
And then Cobalt suddenly had a troubling thought. The biochemistry department was just next door and he wouldn’t put it past Phi to go get a tank of chlorine gas to smoke him out. Or to rig some kind of explosive - or to flood the place with hydrofluoric acid - or to expose him to some kind of biohazard… he stopped himself. The possibilities were nearly limitless, and there was no telling what lengths an half-maddened genius like Phi would go to. And with the building deserted, there wasn’t even anyone around to stop her. He wouldn’t put it past her to infect him with experimental smallpox just to have him at her staff meeting.
Oh no. That wouldn’t do at all. He had to get out of there.
FLUSH. Cobalt hit yet another flush lever for good measure.
FLUSH - CRACK.
Uh-oh.
The handle had come right off in his paw - and the toilet had begun to make a sound not unlike bull elephant getting ready to rampage. Before his horrified eyes water came gurgling and sloshing out of the toilet bowl. Cobalt leapt back, gagging, as he saw that not all of the water was fresh and clean.
Oh Three Moons, deliver me from evil. That is disgusting.
He hesitated for a fraction of a second, trapped between a brown flood in here and the vengeance of a crazed NightWing genius out there. It wasn’t an easy choice - and he paused on the threshold of the door as filthy water splashed in all directions, lapping at his feet.
He chose the risk the NightWing - and hoped that he wouldn’t live to regret it.
The door to the males bathroom creaked open very, very slowly, inch by inch, as Cobalt pressed his eye against the crack. Nothing. He gingerly stuck his head out and glanced around. All was quiet. The hallway was utterly deserted. There was no sign of Phi - no sign past a pair of black tire skid marks on the linoleum floor.
Where is she?
Every last one of Cobalt’s instincts screamed of hidden danger. No way would she just let him go so easy. No, she was out there, somewhere, lying in wait for him like a predator in the tall grass, poised to spring the moment he drew near.
“Phi?” he called out hesitantly. There was no response.
Slowly, as stealthily as he could, he crept down the hall, wishing all the while that he was a RainWing. How convenient it would be at a time like this, to simply change the color of his scales and disappear into the walls and floor. A RainWing would have nothing to fear from maniacs named Phi. But Cobalt, as a SeaWing, was stuck out in the open.
Quickly, quietly, he ducked around a corner - and found himself snout-to-snout with Phi. Holding what looked alarmingly like a tranquilizer gun.
Cobalt screamed at the top of his lungs. The sound echoed through the deserted hallway.
“Ah-ha! There you are!” shouted Phi, gunning her wheelchair forwards and pointing the muzzle of the gun at his chest. “I knew you’d have to come out eventually!”
“Whoa! Where did you get that?” he gasped, holding both paws up in front of him, his eyes fixed on the barrel of the gun.
“Biology lab,” she gloated, brandishing the gun at him. “I - erm - borrowed it from the big cat research division. Now, come along quietly, and I won’t need to use this.”
“You must be some kind of psychopath,” announced Cobalt.
“I’m holding a high-powered projectile weapon right now,” Phi pointed out in a tone of faultless logic, as if explaining an algebraic proof to a precocious student. “Do you really think it wise to antagonize me?”
And then it suddenly occurred to Cobalt that, despite how formidable a teenager armed with sedatives might appear, Phi most likely had no idea how to use a tranquilizer gun. He seriously doubted that she had ever held a weapon in her life. She might be the foremost theoretician of her generation, but no way could she know about things like safety levers and disconnects. No way.
But… could he afford to take the chance?
“Okay, okay,” said Cobalt, waving his paws at her in a placating gesture while his mind worked furiously. “You got me. You win. I’ll come with you.”
Phi transfixed him with a glare filled with suspicion. “You... will?” she asked, her voice going up a little, as if surprised that he was giving in so easily.
Cobalt gulped, keeping his eyes fixed on the muzzle of the tranquilizer gun bobbing up and down in front of his throat. “Yes,” he breathed. “I surrender.”
She hesitated for another half-second. Then: “Okay. Start walking in front of me. We’re going back to my office. And,” she added, seemingly as an afterthought, “if you try anything, I won’t hesitate to put a dart in your neck.”
“Sure, sure,” he conceded, turning around and starting to walk slowly back up the hallway. The back of his neck prickled uneasily with the knowledge that somewhere behind him might be a tranquilizer dose with his name on it. But his eyes scanned the hallway rapidly, as he desperately sought escape.
And there it was! His chance. A door marked EMERGENCY STAIRS.
Yes! If he could just get to the stairs, he would be home free. Phi couldn’t follow him down a staircase any more than she could run a marathon. Now, Cobalt was more grateful than ever that NightWings could not read minds. Phi couldn’t delve into his head and discern his intention before he could act.
They moved along the hallway - Cobalt walking, the whir of Phi’s wheelchair never far behind him. Cobalt held his breath as they drew nearer and nearer to the exit.
And then he paused beside the door, leaning against the wall with one paw. Listening intently, he heard the sound of her wheelchair slow to a halt behind him.
“What?” her voice demanded. “Why’d you stop?”
“I… just…” he sighed - and then, faster than a striking SandWing, he darted through the stairwell door.
Cobalt bolted pell-mell down the flights of stairs, his wings outspread, half-running, half-flying, half-falling the whole way. His footsteps and his heartbeat thundered, echoing in his ears, and it wasn’t until he had put two floors between himself and Phi before he allowed himself to slow down and catch his breath.
He stopped on the first floor landing and checked his rear end for hypodermic darts. Nothing. He was utterly unscathed, so he allowed himself a small smile of satisfaction. I guess I was right. Phi really doesn’t know how to use a gun.
Cobalt took a deep breath, assuring himself that the danger was past. He was safe. Little Miss Maniac was stuck back up on the fifth floor.
Listening to his heartbeat slow back down to under 200 beats per minute, he arrived on the ground floor and found himself in the deserted Science Hall lobby. The lights were dim, and the panoramic windows - usually filled with slanting, brilliant sunshine - were black as midnight. The sun hadn’t even risen.
Cobalt rubbed his eyes, his bones aching with a sudden rush of weariness. He wished with all his heart that he was back in his soft bed. He crossed the lobby in a few strides, making for the great glass main doors, his mind already fogged with the warm promise of sleep.
The elevator dinged.
Cobalt barely had a chance to even register a brief flash of alarm - before the doors slid open, releasing a pint-sized storm of NightWing fury.
“COBALT!” Phi shrieked, the engine of her wheelchair roaring as she hurtled towards him from across the lobby. “WE SCHEDULED A MEETING! IT IS ALREADY 5:20 AM! YOU ARE REQUIRED- ”
Cobalt ran.
He burst out of the Science department building, throwing the main doors open with a crash, running for his life as the voice of a furious NightWing genius screamed out from behind him:
"COBALT!"